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Showing Vs Telling Essay Help

QUOTE:

(i) Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

(ii) Never use a long word where a short one will do.

(iii) If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

(iv) Never use the passive where you can use the active.

(v) Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

(vi) Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

 

-excerpt from George Orwell, "Politics and the English Language", 1946.

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So once upon a time, I wrote a blog comparing the college essay to froyo. Since then, the application has been revised, and although I still believe in the merits of the first blog in regards to a long college admissions essay (500-1000 words), it definitely doesn't apply completely to the new short-answer system that MIT adopted.

A few months ago, I created a bogus account on my.mit.edu so I can actually catch a glimpse at what the new application looks like (it really doesn't look that different, ha) and I've been thinking about how I would approach these essays. Although nothing here is the product of intense cognition, I thought I'd share some of my views on these small essays.

Essentially, you have 5 "mini-essays" - What You Do For Pleasure ("pleasure" - 100 words), Department at MIT ("department" - 100 words), What You Do That's Creative ("creativity" - 250 words), World You Come From ("world" - 250 words), Significant Challenge ("challenge" - 250 words), and that's it! Less than 1000 words total.

The easy things first - the "Pleasure" and the "Department" prompts are not really "essays," but short answers, so they can be easily answered. My advice is just to go ahead and be honest with them (well, you should be honest in your entire application ;P), especially with the "Pleasure" essay. The admission officers ("adcoms") are not looking for "standard" answers, and you won't get brownie points by putting down "programming," "building robots," or other "MIT-y" answers (although they also definitely won't penalize you if they do happen to be things that you do for fun). Just be honest!

Many people stress out about the "Department" essay, but I can tell you that MIT DOES NOT admit on a quota, and you WILL NOT be penalized by which department you put down on that blank (I don't know how many emails I've gotten on this subject already - seriously, the adcoms are not lying at you, and no - there is no conspiracy either). Therefore, you will not seem more impressive if you put down Philosophy, over, say, Mechanical Engineering. When I applied, I put down Chemical Engineering (oh, such were the days of my innocent youth, when I believed that Chemistry was trivial), but now I'm happily a Biology (and pending History) major. Your interests may shift after you enroll at MIT (and realize how brutal some of the courses here can be), and that's perfectly fine! So don't worry too much.

For the "Creativity" essay, I would encourage you to look at the connotation of "creativity" from a new angle (in a sense, be creative about exploring creativity :P). You can go broader than physical things like creative projects or creative inventions. I would investigate writing about creative ideas, creative ways of looking at things, creative ways of solving problems, for example. I wrote about a concrete research project I did when I applied, but I thought that was quite boring in comparison to the other things that could have written about, so I encourage you to explore this topic a bit further. :)

Ah - ok, now we come to the challenging 250-word essays.

So back in the day, we had a choice between these two essays to write a long essay on, but I guess now they're requiring you write on both of them, but as shorter essays.

Actually, I really enjoyed the "world" essay - and I thought it was the one of the best prompts out of the prompts for the 15 colleges that I applied to (number one was still Stanford's "photograph" prompt - I loved it. Sorry MIT :P). The challenge now, however, is how to condense all the things you want to convey into mere 250 words.

In order for me to see what a 250 word word limit is really like, I wrote a 250 word essay. Not on MIT's prompts, though.

He held up the sheet of wrinkled paper, his eyes in silent protest.

The tattered bill requested 13,800 dollars for a three-day hospital stay.

"Why call the ambulance? Just leave me alone!" the frail old man muttered. Just a week ago, Mr. Vu suffered a stroke that required hospitalization. Because he could not understand English, Mr. Vu had not applied for health insurance, resulting in the exorbitant bill.

An internship at an Asian clinic opened my eyes to the untold story of limited-English proficiency patients, who often struggle to obtain health care in a maze of foreign forms and convoluted policies.

Suffering from a worsening stomachache, Mrs. Wong was neglected in the county hospital for over two hours, unable to flag down a passing nurse for assistance because of the language barrier. Clutching a X-Ray order, Mr. Park searched in vain for Radiology in a blinding flurry of English letters.

Over the summer, these stories became too common - accounts of immigrants fighting for their right to care in a shockingly monolingual health system. After the internship, I participated in a medical interpretation training program and was licensed as a Mandarin health interpreter in November. I wanted to change the status quo.

My experiences this summer solidified my conviction of entering into public health, especially immigrant health, as my future course of study. America has long prided itself as a "melting pot" of cultures. Isn't it only fitting that there exists equitable access to health care, regardless of the language spoken?

 

The word limit is kinda short.

Now, a disclaimer: I want to stay that this is not intended to be a "model essay" (I think the ending can use some more work, among other things), but I thought this would be easier in illustrating a point.

If you look at the essay, I like going narrative -> point -> how it connects to me. In fact, this is what I use for most of my essays :3

Here's the same essay, deliberately made worse (but to illustrate a very common problem in college application essays):

Last summer, I worked in an Asian clinic in Oakland, California. Over the course of the summer, I realized the plight of immigrants when it comes to obtaining equitable health care. In the modern health industry, immigrants and other residents who possess limited English proficiency are often overlooked because of their inability to communicate their symptoms to the doctor and complete paperwork in English. This problem is exacerbated when they cannot apply for health insurance, resulting in exorbitant health bills. In a country that claims to be the "melting pot" of cultures, this kind of neglect is no longer acceptable.

Many patients suffer extended waits in the hospital, unable to obtain assistance. It is possible that a worsening stomachache is the initial sign for appendicitis, which needs to be treated expeditiously. Often, hospital signs are also not translated into other languages, making navigation difficult for elderly patients. These scenes are played across hospitals in the nation everyday.

After my experiences this summer, I realized that I wanted to channel my energy into the revitalization of this system. It is no longer sufficient for us to stand on the sidelines and watch. To this end, I participated in a medical interpretation training program and was licensed as a Mandarin health interpreter. I hope I will be able to contribute my efforts to the field of public health, especially immigrant health, in the future. These patients cannot afford to passively wait for language-accessible care and continue to sacrifice their right to treatment.

 

Also 250 words, but this essay is riddled with problems, many of which Orwell pointed out in the blurb above.

1. The essay is filled with extraneous and needlessly difficult words. ("I wanted to channel my energy into the revitalization of this system")

2. The essay lacks a personal voice - it's very passive ("These scenes are played," "immigrants are often overlooked," "the problem is exacerbated")

3. The essay never "shows" - it only "tells."

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Show, don't tell!

I can't emphasize this enough. This essay points out many problems of the health care system, but doesn't offer any examples of the problems. At the end of the day, which essay will readers remember better? An essay that speaks in general terms or Mr. Vu with his bill?

Personally, I think after MIT made the switch from the long essay to short essays, this point is even more pertinent. You just can't afford to waste words speaking in vague terms that doesn't convey much in terms of meaning.

When adcoms read thousands of essays on end, you need to stand out. Ideally, your essay should pack enough punch (that's a cliche :P) so that your readers have a "take-home message" (another cliche :P). Simply put, you need something memorable about your essay. If you feel bored writing your essay, chances are that the person reading your essay will be bored too. Make it vivid - let your story shine.

Finally, the other point I want to convey:

Trim the extra fat!

I narrowed down the first essay from over 400 words to just 250. Chances are, you can do the same too. The second essay is plagued with extraneous words, and actually it can be narrowed down to just this without loss of meaning:

Last summer, I worked in an Asian clinic, where I realized the struggle of immigrants in obtaining equitable health care because of the language barrier. They often cannot apply for health insurance, resulting in exorbitant bills. This is not acceptable in America, which claims to be a "melting pot" of cultures.

Many patients suffer long waits in the hospital, unable to get help. A worsening stomachache can lead to appendicitis that requires rapid treatment. Often, signs are only written in English, making navigation difficult for elderly patients.

It is no longer sufficient for me stand on the sidelines - I want to make a difference. To this end, I participated in a medical interpretation training program and was licensed in Mandarin. Eventually, I hope I can work in the field of public health, especially immigrant health. These patients cannot afford to passively wait for language-accessible care and continue to sacrifice their right to treatment.

 

This new essay is only 154 words. Although it definitely sounds stilted and shouldn't be submitted as a complete essay, it still goes to show how much excess fat one can usually trim from a typical essay.

Not to reiterate myself too much from the previous blog that I wrote, but the effective essay, IMO, is the essay that really shows who you are, where you're coming from, and what your loves are - in your own voice. Both the "world" and the "challenges" essay are structured so that it's focused on you and your stories. Use these opportunities to tell a story - to convey who you are. There's no need to repackage your tale in fancy rhetoric or educated vocabulary.

Just as we see in world literature: often the best stories are, really, the simplest stories.

27Jun

Essay Rules: Show, Don’t Tell

Weaving In Stories and Evidence Throughout Your Essay

Demonstrating Your Qualities without Bragging

There is a fine line between a confident, capable applicant and an arrogant, self-absorbed applicant. You may find yourself faced with the problem that many qualified students face when crafting their college application essay: how to display all of your positive attributes without boasting. The trick to solving this problem is demonstrating rather than proclaiming (i.e. showing, rather than telling). You can do this by tactfully using a variety of examples, short anecdotes, or even a single long narrative to present yourself in the best possible light.

Stripping your Essay of Vanity

Before helping you decide what examples and narratives to use, let us go over words and elements that should not appear in your college applications essay:

  • Do not use superlative adjectives (great, fantastic, super, extraordinary) when describing yourself. Let your reader deduce your awesomeness from the material that you present.
  • Do not make unsupported claims. You do not want to say “I am great at being a team leader.” Why should the reader trust your unsubstantiated self-praise? People often have very skewed perceptions of themselves, so merely stating your high opinion of yourself is not going to cut it.
  • Do not include compliments to yourself from other people without context or explanation. You do not want to say something like, “My English teacher calls me her most brilliant student.” This is simply a less direct method of bragging. Instead, explain what you have done to achieve the respect and admiration of teachers and fellow peers.

With these restrictions in mind, remember that it is good to demonstrate ambition. You can mention that it is your goal is to be a very successful politician or famous artist someday, for example. Writing about your goals and ambitions is not bragging; it is simply explaining that you have high standards which you hold yourself accountable for. Being goal-oriented is a very desirable trait in a prospective student.

How to Show

The way to show your positive attributes on paper is by using examples, anecdotes, or a single long narrative that you thread throughout your essay. These pieces of evidence will become a central part of your essay, providing needed support for your argument and illustrating what sort of person you are and strive to become.

Before selecting your stories, you must first decide on a thesis (see Developing Your Thesis to learn more). Next, think of your three supporting points (the topic sentences for each body paragraph). Once you have determined which points you want to support, think of examples that demonstrate or strengthen your supporting points. If you can think of a single very impactful story that supports your thesis and helps answer the prompt, you may use that as your long narrative.

Start by thinking of your most impressive accomplishments and the impact that you have generated. Think about the context of these achievements; can you think of several different accomplishments that demonstrate your positive attributes? If so, you can use 5-6 short anecdotes as your evidence (conveyed in 2-3 sentences each).

Is there a single narrative that you can use as supporting evidence which brings out several of your positive qualities? If so, tell the reader your story, focusing only on the relevant bits (again, in only 2-3 sentences at a time).

Here are some tips on what kind of stories and examples to avoid in your college admissions essay:

  • Irrelevant stories and examples. While you want to include examples that demonstrate your capabilities, you should be careful to select only examples that support your thesis and help answer the prompt. If you want to mention a valuable skill but can find no way to tie it into your paper, put it on your résumé or the activities section of the common application.
  • Too many stories. It is good to have plenty of examples, but you do not want to have more story than introspection (remember our 40/60 rule). Make sure that each story is integral to your point.
  • Stories that reveal negative qualities. Even if the story provides evidence that you are hardworking, it should not be included if it also includes evidence of any sort of misconduct, such as excessive partying or missing deadlines. Some prompts specifically ask for a failure. In response to these prompts, you may tell the reader about a failure if it has resulted in larger and more important success, or if it has contributed to your personal growth.
  • Stories with controversial content. Avoid politically-sensitive topics such as abortion, gun control, or the death penalty. If you do choose to include controversial material, make it clear that you are not pushing your views but rather standing up for something you believe in. Nevertheless, it is best to avoid including any controversial matter altogether. Your readers are only human and, as much as we would like for them to be objective, can still pass judgements that are irrelevant to your qualifications.

Take a look at Sharon’s introductory paragraph:

When you step into my foyer, you step into Moscow, my friends would always say. Russian television was always blasting in the background, and the smell of some Russian concoction that my mom was making always permeated through the household. I had to simultaneously assimilate into American culture while remembering my heritage. When I was younger I thought this cultural exposure was a nuisance, but I know think of it as a luxury—I have been able to learn from my background, adapt to new settings, and use my experience to help decide my field of study.

The first and second sentences are two short anecdotes. Sharon supports these anecdotes with an explanation found in the third sentence. The last sentence, her thesis, introduces how these anecdotes are relevant and how they feed into the three topics that will be discussed in her body paragraph: what she learned, how she adapted, and how these experiences will determine her future field of study. In this paragraph she presents herself as open-minded, cultural, and goal-oriented (she knows what she wants to study in college). She also sets herself up to discuss her future in college, where she might mention the programs and opportunities that she will take advantage of at the school of her choice.

Now you give it a try. Keep in mind your goals: answer the prompt, bring in relevant stories, and make yourself look good (without bragging!)

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